ALL OF US GRIEVE DIFFERENTLY

March 17th, 2010 by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse | No Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

It was the morning after St. Patrick’s Day, March 18th, seven years ago.  My friend was together with several of her friends when her husband unexpectedly walked into the room.  He had come to tell her that their only son at 23 was dead. Killed on St. Patrick’s night and identified the next morning.  He had been  walking his dog in his own neighborhood when a drunk driver went up on the sidewalk, hit him and killed him.

It was a life changing moment, for his mother, his father, his sister, his friends and all those who loved him.  It is seven years later and the pain returns during the week of St. Patrick’s Day. He was the world to those that loved him. He was not the only son in the world, but he was the world to those that loved him.

The death of this young man was a tragedy and heart breaking loss to his mother.  During her grief, it came to the attention of her friends that there were 10 women in her circle  of friends that had lost adult children to accidents, drunk drivers, suicide or illness.  This was the beginning of a support group for this group of women.

We found that everyone grieves differently.  There is grief that includes wailing and tears that are so deep and painful that one’s knees buckle and it is hard to catch one’s breath.  Some quietly sob in private and hold it together in public. Some are angry and others wait for time to deaden some of the pain.

Yet all grief matters, all grief hurts and all grief is important. Normal grief includes acknowledging what has happened, being honest with emotion and walking through all the stages.   Some grief is more complicated when it includes a tragic sudden event and situation where there is not time to say goodbye or get answers.

Some grief is unresolved.  Questions are unanswered and maybe there is no support for normal grieving and it must be handled alone.   Maybe its historical grief and has never been expressed.

Then there are the grief situations that many do not take seriously enough.This might be the loss of a pet, a miscarriage, feelings related to sexism ,racism or homophobia.

Grief does not heal with time – it only conceals.

Memories are important and must be savored.

The loss must be talked about and expressed in order to heal.

Its important to learn the stages of grief & allow time to go through each step.

Honor your grief as the important passage that it is.

Remember that your grief is your grief.

THE FACT MUST BE FACED THAT GRIEF MAY NEVER BE FULLY RESOLVED, THAT THE HOLE IN THE SOUL IS NEVER COMPLETELY FILLED UP AGAIN. THIS PAIN OF LONELINESS IS A VALUABLE WITNESS TO OUR ABILITY TO LOVE.

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I NEED A VACATION – DO YOU?

March 9th, 2010 by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse | No Comments | Filed in Realizing Dreams & Setting Goals

When the weather changes from one season to another, its makes me want to take a vacation. Winter is giving way to Spring where I live and it makes me want to refresh and renew.  That includes travel. Many of my evenings are spent studying cruise books, looking at  train ride brochures that show me how fun it would be to cross Canada by rail.  The big island of Hawaii calls me back to see how much land has been created by flowing lava. Of course, I want to spend time in one of my favorite places – Italy.

Because of commitments, I cannot plan a vacation for a few months. So I am doing the next best thing.  I am taking vacations in my head, my heart & soul.  I am choosing my top five destinations. I have been to all of them, so I have memories, photos and feelings.   New Zealand, Italy, Egypt, Hawaii and Easter Island.

I will plan a week in each of them.  I will bring out old movies and photos and revisit. Next will be preparing food from these areas and having a dinner party with friends to share these jewels from my memory bank.  I will find music that brings back even more memories.

When we can’t have what we want, we can still want what we have.  In postponing being able to take the trip I would like to take, there are many ways to enjoy my time at home.  When we need to postpone, here are some tips that will help:

…..Call on friends.  Share that you would like to spend some special time with them and have a “vacation at home”.  You might be surprised at how many clever ideas they might come up with.  They too, might like to have a vacation party.

…..Be especially kind to yourself for a few days.  Indulge yourself by baking brownies, taking long bubble baths, renting fun movies.  Remind yourself that you are on a “home vacation”.

…..Feed your soul.  Read a good book, take a half hour a day to meditate. Buy small indulgences like  a candle or  a great salad.  Take a walk.

…..A wise person once  said that whenever something didn’t work out as she had wanted, , usually something better would take its place. Disappointments and postponements  are often overshadowed by something grander and something that would have been missed if you had your first choice.

…..No matter where you live, chances are there is something in your area that you haven’t done. A certain museum, a different restaurant, a farmer’s market, a swap meet, a section of the library, a concert, a local community theater etc.

By the time you take your dream vacation when the time is right, you will have a storehouse of memories of times that were interesting and fun. As I finish this blog, I feel like I have been on a mini-vacation.  Enjoy yours!

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Worried About Money – We All Do!

March 2nd, 2010 by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse | No Comments | Filed in Money & Financial Tips

A friend called me this week and wanted me to come visit as she was quite upset about something.  My imagination started working overtime as I thought about her family, her job, her health and a dozen other concerns she might want to share with me.  Through her tears, she told me how she was deeply in debt for the first time in her life.

Her lifetime goals included being financially independent for herself and able to share her comfort level with her children and family.  She has worked hard for many years (following the death of her husband) and thought she was nearing this goal.

Then the current times began to impact her life.  She became caught in a corporate downsizing and her job of 17 years was gone (along with her health insurance).  The stocks she had bought stopped giving her the income she thought she was going to have.  An unexpected illness further drained her resources.  She was just short of panic and did not want to tell her family of her fears.

In these times of economic uncertainty, worries about money abound for many women.  Home prices have fallen, the stock market is erratic, net worth and savings are decreasing and inflation is growing. Nice lunches have moved to fast food and for many, home lunches are the way to go.  There are many hard decisions to make and even harder to implement.

The secret to learning to live well on less money is to figure out your priorities and put your money there first.  Do you want to work or stay home with children? Do you want to take a trip to Italy or paint the house? Do you want the latest clothes fashion or pay off your credit card?  Its all about decisions.  When you truly feel like you are following “your choices and goals”, then it is easier to find the ability to make the choices you want to make”.

One place to cut back is on the trend toward having every technology that is available. Be sure you are using everything you are paying for. Don’t sign up for a cable or phone program that sounds fantastic, but at some level, you know you won’t use it. Keep only what you are using and stay current on less expensive ways to get what you really want and need.

Other tips:

See fewer movies. Borrow DVD’s from the library or subscribe to Netflicks.

Eat lunch out less often and carry lunch. Eat dinner out less often and experiment with good food at home.

Do some manicures and pedicures at home and splurge at the salon once in a while.

Shop at chain stores and fewer specialty shops.

I don’t even like to think about it, but find ways to enjoy coffee at home and order a few less “coffees out”.  Ouch – that one hurts!

However, if you choose just one of the ideas above, you will save significant dollars.

NO PESSIMIST EVER DISCOVERED THE SECRET OF THE STARS, OR SAILED TO AN UNCHARTERED LAND, OR OPENED A NEW HEAVEN TO THE HUMAN SPIRIT.  Helen Keller

You can do it!

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